Thoughts

Questions.

You have the potential, you are worthy of my time, keep earning it,” were phrases that I was reminded of even when I couldn’t see the underlying meaning of it.

Perhaps, he was brought into my life to show me a little glimpse of love and strength. It was just a glimpse, but the scale of it was immense. It touched me, in ways not many people have. He showed me what it meant to be strong. What it meant for me to be the only person who can determine my own happiness. What I had to do when things get a little rough. What I can do to love myself more. It sounded simple, but doing it was tough.

And I loved the idea of this; the idea of growth.

When I left that night, all of the questions that I had in my head became invalid. I still walked away without any answers to my questions but I was off the fence. For the past week or so, I was deliberating over my thoughts but now, I am clearer. I am clear of what I want moving forward.

Why do you think I’m spending (not wasting) my time with you? 

Time, has always been subjective to me. When you have spent a fraction of your time with someone worthy of it, you are never wasting it and you crave for more, but when you gained nothing out of the time that you have taken to spend it on someone not worthy of it, you waste it or at least it felt like you are wasting it. Until there is no more meaning to this, every single second of it was well spent.

And it’s true. Over the months, I understand that people (even my mom) can’t force to change me no matter how hard they try, but people can influence the change that I want in me and ultimately, I choose change. I choose to change the way I think, how I feel, and the way I react to things that are negative. I choose to change because my reaction affects the perception that people have of me. I choose kindness and I choose appreciation.

I know that it is going to be a lot of work, and I can vouch for that. And even when things don’t go the way it should, I have to remind myself that at the end of the day, I owe this life to myself, and not for you, not for my mom, not for anybody else.

I am glad that things are looking up for me. I became a little bit stronger, I am healthier, a lot fitter and it feels great. Sure, life will knock me down at some point again, but until then, I have every reasons to lead my life with so much hope, love and positivity.

I hope to be able to express myself more eloquently and not feel discouraged over something that I have no control of. I will not walk away without having a word out of my mouth. I can only control how I say it and how I feel about it, but not for how other people would react to it. Confidence is key, and I will always look forward to a better looking and a more confident me in the years to come.

People change over time, but one thing that I have learnt is to embrace this change. Let them walk away, and hopefully the universe will conspire to bring us back together, if we were meant to be in each other’s lives.

These are the little lessons that I have learnt over the year. Talk less, but do more, because actions speak a lot louder than words can ever do.

Happy 2018!

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